Chester Bennington

At first I thought it was fake. A hoax. I immediately began searching for a credible source, looking for a sign that what I was reading was just a very bad joke.

But that relief never came.

Chester Bennington, as many of you will already know, was found dead today after an apparent suicide.

I've been struggling to form words to convey my thoughts right now. I spent most of this morning sobbing with my girlfriend and failing to compose myself again and again as she held me. Chester's death hit me hard. Despite any preparations one can have for a loss, death is never easy and even more so when it is unexpected.

From around the time I was 7 or 8, Linkin Park has been my favorite band.  That has not changed for the last 16 years.  I remember listening to Hybrid Theory and Meteora in the times that I was angsty and brooding, alone in my room with my portable CD player. I remember being both excited and confused by the change in Minutes to Midnight, having a contest with my mom to see who could learn the verses from Bleed It Out (I won that). A Thousand Suns took a long time to grow on me, but is probably my favorite album by Linkin Park now. Living Things was a great combination of all the elements they had explored so far. The Hunting Party allowed them to revisit the raw nature of the groups that influenced them in their own formative years. And their most recent release, One More Light, was their attempt to really be honest and lay their struggles on the line for the fans to experience.

I've seen them live three times; each time was an absolutely incredible experience. I remember in particular when I saw them in 2011 in San Diego at SDSU. As a member of their fan club, called LP Underground, I entered in and was selected for the chance to meet the band. I got to go to a special place, line up with other excited fans, and received free stickers and guitar picks as we waited patiently for our chance to meet the band. And I got to meet them, have them sign a CD, shake their hands, even if it was just for a moment. Even though I was so awestruck and nervous that I couldn't say a single word, it is an experience that I will hold in my heart forever.

Through all these years, I've listened to every album, every single, every release and side project. The influence that this band and Chester in particular have had on me shaped me in so many ways, in my music and my writing and my creativity. He showed me how to take the darkness inside and make it into something that other people can understand and sympathize with. And while I cannot speak as someone who has suffered depression, their music has given me so much strength in times that I struggled through hardships and pain. And I know there are millions out there who feel the same as I do, who have similar stories to my own. I know he had a wife and children and the rest of the band members that he left behind, and I cannot begin to fathom their loss.

Please, please, please; if you are suffering from depression, please know that you are not alone. This is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255. I know it is not easy to reach out for help, but it is there.

Chester, I don't know where you are. I don't know where you stood with God. But I pray for your soul, for the suffering that you experienced. I pray that your family is surrounded with love and support. I wish I could show you all the compassion people had for you.

I'll end this post with the chorus from the increasingly haunting title track from Linkin Park's latest release, "One More Light".

"If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do."

Rest In Peace Chester. 1976-2017